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Shame and Regret

Last week I talked about how Saturn and Pluto are snuggling up right next to each other causing some cosmic collective friction. This aspect is at its strongest point this week and will not occur again for another 50 years. Wherever those two are landing in your chart is where you are being asked to define and transform something major. I probably don’t have another 50 years to figure this out so this feels pretty top on my list right now.

The Pluto/Saturn connection was loosely hanging out all last year, and felt more like a tapping on your shoulder than a slap in the face. Most people were experiencing WTF am I doing with my life moments? What’s the point? Or why isn’t what I’m trying to do working for me? All of these questions were definitely on my radar last year for sure and caused me a whole lot of anguish.

My favorite pattern to go into when I’m feeling this way is chaos mode. I take on way more than I can chew in hopes that something will click and stick. In November, I started to notice that this had become an outdated, exhausting mode of operating. I decided that I needed to try something new. I intuitively heard , “stop forcing it!” Rest, get back to your body and listen. So I started meditating, I started doing yoga. I renewed my subscription to Gaia and started to listen to the Joe Dispenza "Rewired" series. My husband and I committed to a month of no drinking, and things started clicking. I realized there is something really old inside me that is not allowing me to step into my next thing. And that’s the very thing I’m being asked to solve with this Pluto/Saturn alignment.

My daily guided meditation, asks that you be given a sign that you are on the right path in a way that surprises you. So I waited for the sign yesterday. I set expectations for what I thought that sign should be, and what path I was looking for, but of course that stuff didn’t show up. I didn't get 1000 new followers, or an inbox filled with new client appointments. Instead, I read something about Jupiter energy that compelled me to go back through my timeline to 2008. I got online and read through a series of old saved emails from that time. The emails took me back to those exact moments in time. I could sense in my body exactly what I felt back then. I could recall all of those relationships and how they made me feel so vividly. I could remember my need to prove myself to people, my desperation for love, my long winded explanations, and my need for validation. I felt so much shame and regret reading these letters, and it put me in a really bad headspace for the night. I went into self preservation mode of wanting to check out and hide, but I was also grateful for the insight. I knew this was the sign.

I thought about how much shame has ruled my life and made me want to hide myself away from the people who knew me in the toughest parts of my timeline. How old patterns of shame affect me even now. I see the tightrope shame has kept me on and how I have, in some cases, hung myself with it. How my judgement of others has been based on my own shame and judgment of myself. How I avoid people and parts of my past, because they remind me of the old me, the part that was lonely, broken, lost and sad.

Shame is a part of my big breakthrough. Thank you universe for the message! It is a fierce emotion that keeps us from being vulnerable with others. It can keep us from moving forward and standing strong in ourselves. It embeds itself in our tissues and hides in places you cannot see. Now that I see it I know how to liberate it. I know how to exchange shame for strength.

2008-2010 seemed like a bottom for me, but it was filled with the relationships, jobs, losses, hardships, and lessons that propelled my growth in such a massive way. It offered me situations that pushed me forward to where I am today. If I knew in my late 30's that I'd be here now- in a much happier, less angst filled place, then maybe I could have relaxed. I could have been less frantic, I could have enjoyed my late 30s a little more. So maybe I can find forgiveness and compassion for the old me, the me who lived in survival mode everyday, and who just wanted to be loved.

I share this with you because I hope that my vulnerability can help someone liberate their own feelings of shame. I encourage you to question if shame has a hold on you in some part of your life. Find a way to have compassion for yourself, see who you are in this moment and be grateful for your progress. Set the shame free.

~ Reach out if you want some insight on what Pluto and Saturn are asking of you right now~

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